


Hold Me For Now

by Oikawasbaby



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Depression, Heartbreak, M/M, Multi, OCD, Rejection, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Sexual Tension, Smut, Suicide, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24748024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oikawasbaby/pseuds/Oikawasbaby
Summary: “Forgiveness is a gift I’ll never receive,” Oikawa whispered into Kageyama’s ear, tears of loss streaming from his eyes. “He was my medicine. He healed me. And every drop I took came from him until he was no more.”
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
Oikawa  
Four years, twenty-seven days, thirteen hours, and ten minutes ago, Tooru Oikawa’s world shattered. The day of never-healing pain, a blown knee, and a ruined heart. The day of the suicide.

Kageyama  
Beep! Kageyama Tobio’s alarm blared, waking him up the same way it always did. He got up quickly, not wanting to be late for his first day of therapy at the new place. He made his bed neatly and efficiently, then patted his volleyball patterned pillows twice. After putting on a pressed and ironed button down shirt that he tucked into his new jeans, washed twice to make them feel exactly like his other pairs, and to get all the germs of other people off of them. Kageyama then brushed his teeth, spitting twice, and made his coffee, although because the first one wasn’t perfect, he made another cup. He sipped as he left his apartment, locking both the locks he’d installed. Halfway down the stairs out of his building (elevators made him nervous, and they were often unpredictable), he ran back up to make sure his bed was made, remade it because it’d been creased when he sat on it to put his shoes on, and brushed his teeth one more time. His usual morning routine caused him to be late to his appointment, which made him nervous. Kageyama despised being late, although he was two minutes late which was a bit of a consolation due to his love for anything that came in twos. “Hello! You must be Kageyama Tobio. Welcome to Seijoh Therapists. Dr. Oikawa is waiting for you down the hall to your right in room two.” The pretty blonde receptionist said all of this in one breath, hurriedly pointing him to the door. Kageyama strolled down the hall, and into room two, where the most beautiful man he’d ever seen sat behind a dark wood desk. The first thing Kageyama noticed was his thick, flowing, light brown hair, which skimmed over his brow but highlighted his milk chocolate eyes. His shoulders were slim but well muscled beneath his tight designer shirt, and his long fingers were softly crossed and resting on his desk. Kageyama’s jaw fell to the floor at the sight of him. ‘H-hello,” he stammered awkwardly, cursing himself for sounding like a twelve year old boy at a middle school dance. “Hello Tobio. My name is Dr. Oikawa. It’s nice to meet you. Can I get you something to drink before we get started today?” Oikawa said this all very smoothly, with no hesitation whatsoever. Kageyama met his mouthwatering gaze and was surprised to see sadness glimmering at the depths of his otherwise warm brown eyes. “No, thank you,” Kageyama said without any trace of his initial hesitancy. “Wonderful. Let’s get started, shall we?” Oikawa opened Kageyama’s thin file that stated his OCD. “How are you today, Tobio?” He asked with a glowing, practiced smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “I’m doing well, thanks. I’m sorry I was running a bit late, traffic was horrible,” Kageyama lied through his teeth, not wanting to admit to a stranger about his slight issues. “No, it wasn’t. What caused you to be late?” Oikawa’s tone was neutral, but his words cut through Kageyama. “I...nothing. It was nothing.” “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on, Tobio. You can open up to me.” “You know what, I would actually love a glass of water. Thank you,” Kageyama kept his composure, but was burning on the inside. As soon as Oikawa was out of the room, Kageyama relaxed back into his comfy leather couch and surveyed the room. It wasn’t too small, unlike most of the places he’d been to lately, and it was spotlessly clean and orderly. He let out a deep sigh, content at not having to tweak anything in the office to his liking. However, Dr Oikawa was a whole different matter. 

Oikawa  
He saw flashes of Hajime in the boy. The inky dark hair, sharp intensity, and intelligent, calculating eyes were the same. Although, Oikawa thought to himself, he looked for Hajime in everyone he met. Someone on the subway would have the same hairstyle, or one of his patients would have a similar swaggering walk, and Oikawa’s heart would flutter. Even after years, he was still desperately in love with his ex-husband, Iwaizumi Hajime. They’d been childhood friends turned to something much, much greater, marrying after playing volleyball in college together. Hajime was the reason Oikawa dedicated his life to helping other people. He’d always made Oikawa into the best version of himself, even in death. He opened the door to his office with Kageyama Tobio’s glass of water in his hand, and plastered on his smile once again. “So, Tobio, where are you from?” Steely blue eyes bored into his own, and the expression was so much like Hajime’s that Oikawa had to look away. “Miyagi. I’ve stayed here all my life, except to go play volleyball in college.” Oikawa’s heart twinged, as the mention of volleyball brought back flashes of Hajime pounding his sets to the floor, alive and thriving and utterly happy. “Very nice. Did you enjoy volleyball?”Oikawa asked, the question pulling at his heartstrings as more memories began to flood in. “Yes. I was a very good setter.” “Did it worry you for any reason if the set wasn’t perfect?” “No. They were always perfect.” Kageyama stated with no arrogance, just pure truth. “Did volleyball give you a way out of your anxiety?” Oikawa asked bluntly, tired of the small talk. It was hurting far too much to be in this room with this man who brought back all the pain, guilt, loving, and longing that was Iwaizumi Hajime. “Yes. Volleyball is a game of mistakes, and I didn’t like that, but I never made mistakes. I was known as the king of the court.” They talked for a bit longer about volleyball, and when Tobio didn’t seem to want to delve deeper into the psychological effects of it, Oikawa switched onto another topic. This continued throughout the back half of the hour; Oikawa asking questions and Tobio giving surface level responses, the tip of the iceberg that was his mind. “Well, our hour is up. I’ll see you next week Tobio. Have a nice day,” Oikawa said, his boredom peeking it’s rude head into his voice. “Dr. Oikawa,” Kageyama said intensely, blue eyes meeting brown, “What does love feel like?”


	2. Chapter 2

Kageyama  
Kageyama knew he’d made a mistake. Dr. Oikawa’s gaze bored into his own, simmering with pain, anger, and loathing threatening to boil over. “Get out. Get the fuck out. DON’T YOU DARE SHOW YOUR FACE HERE EVER AGAIN.” Oikawa’s voice rose with each word, while Kageyama backed away as quick as possible. Oikawa grabbed a picture frame from his desk and threw it as hard as he could at Kageyama, who ducked down as the glass shattered against the white wall, littering the floor with broken pieces. Kageyama scrambled out, not caring if he left any of his belongings in the office, and ran out to his car. He then raced back to his apartment, knocked on his door twice to confirm no one had come in, and then unlocked his two locks, fumbling with the key, which he luckily hadn’t left at Seijoh Therapists. He walked shakily into his simple apartment, checked every room twice, and then laid down onto his bed, too rattled to even change into his old volleyball shirts for comfort. “I can’t believe that. He could’ve killed me, and I have to go back there later this evening to get my things. There’s no way I can go back during business hours and risk facing Oikawa again. I’ll go this evening when they’re near closing time. There’s no way Oikawa will still be there,” Kageyama said to himself, feeling himself slowly become calmer. He began counting by twos, a calming exercise that one of his past therapists had told him about. Kageyama made himself change into workout clothes and go for his pre-dinner run to his favorite bar, which was exactly two miles away from his apartment. Feeling his lithe, beautiful body moving smoothly over the hard concrete sidewalks was the most freeing sensation he had ever experienced. When he reached the bar, fairly out of breath from his run, he strolled in the door only to find an orange haired man sitting in his usual spot. He was talking clamorously, and had enraptured the attention of most of the customers at the bar. Hinata Shoyo always was the star of the show, Kageyama thought to himself with a small smile. He came up behind his old friend and tapped him on the shoulder. “I believe you’re in my spot,” Hinata stopped mid shout at the sound of Kageyama’s voice, and slowly turned around. “K-Kageyama! Hi! What’re you doing here?” Hinata’s response was filled with surprise and excitement, and he wrapped his once-scrawny arms around Kageyama, who noticed the new muscles that rippled in Hinata’s pale biceps. He hugged Hinata back; it’d been years since they parted ways after placing second at nationals in their third year at Karasuno. “Hinata boke! Why are you here?” “I moved here three days ago! This place was fairly close to my new apartment, so I decided to come have a drink and meet some new friends here. What’ve you been up to?” Hinata said this all very quickly in his high, excited voice. Kageyama felt his heart beat a bit faster as he took in Hinata’s adorable smile, remembering all the good times they’d had during their three years at Karasuno together. “I’m doing well here. It’s different from back home, but I see that as a good thing. People are much more accepting, and I’m not nearly as anxious. Would you like to go somewhere quieter to catch up? We can race back to my apartment,” Kageyama surprised himself with his own boldness, but he’d had a painfully long day and it’d been a while since he’d seen his old best friend, who’d been more than just that. “Of course, Kageyama! I’m going to beat you. I’ve been in the gym more than you. I know it!” Hinata, ever the orange ball of energy, was practically jumping up and down with the excitement of getting to compete against his greatest rival again. “As if I’ll ever let you beat me. First one to the door of my apartment wins. Go!” They took off, both fired up in the spirit of competition. The two men reached Kageyama’s house at the same time, but both claimed that they won. “I touched the door first!” “Well I reached the steps first!” They bickered all the way up to Kageyama’s apartment, but when they reached the door with two locks, Kageyama glanced away awkwardly. Hinata saw this, but grabbed his hand and pulled him back. Kageyama looked down and was met with soft brown eyes peeking through a curtain of downy orange hair. The expression Hinata was wearing reminded Kageyama of simpler times, times filled with late nights of volleyball practice, laughter, and a wonderful balance of intensity and relaxation. The truth was, Kageyama had tried to play volleyball beyond high school, but without Hinata there, it’d lost its magic. He quit after his second year in college, shocking everyone due to his reputation as a genius setter, and had focused on his studies and getting help for his slight issues. Hinata put his head on Kageyama’s chest and hugged him tightly. Kageyama, overwhelmed with his past memories and current feelings, tilted Hinata’s chin up, and kissed him. His lips burned with the contact, sending sparks of longing shooting through his entire body. He went to pull Hinata closer, to run his hands through that downy orange hair, when he realized that Hinata’s lips were frozen, eyes wide open with a guilty, almost fearful expression on his sweet face. “Kageyama,” Hinata whispered into his mouth, shivering as Kageyama pulled away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me,” He said, heart pounding as he waited for Hinata’s response. “If I had known you felt this way, he wouldn’t even be in the picture. I’m so sorry Kageyama, I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea, but I have a boyfriend,” Hinata said, and Kageyama could see the regret in his eyes. “It’s fine, I’m sorry,” Hinata reached for his hand again, but Kageyama snatched it away. “Please go. I’m sorry,” he repeated, tears threatening to spill over. “We can catch up another time, I’m at that bar a lot. I’ll see you around, Hinata,” Hinata just looked down and walked back out, giving his old best friend one last glance before exiting out the stairs. Kageyama fell to his knees, years of pining leading up to that one kiss, that one rejection. He wasn’t sure how long he spent there, kneeling in front of his door with his head in his hands, crying liquid love. Eventually, he picked himself back up, and headed back to Seijoh to pick up the belongings he’d left there. When he arrived, the pretty blonde receptionist was gone, replaced by a tall man with glasses, blonde hair, and a smug expression on his face. “And you are?” “Kageyama Tobio. Pleased to meet you. I left my things here after my appointment with Dr. Oikawa earlier today, and I’m hoping it’s still here,” Kageyama said politely, hoping to get in and get out as soon as he possibly could. “Nothing has been brought to me. Maybe check Oikawa’s office,” the man suggested boredly, looking ready for the conversation to be over. “Okay,” he said, headed through the door and down the hall, but paused in front of Oikawa’s office with his hand on the doorknob when he heard muffled sobs coming from the room. Is he in a meeting? Kageyama wondered, but when he didn’t hear two voices, he decided that Oikawa was alone. He turned the knob, entered the room, and his jaw fell open at the sight of Oikawa. He was on the floor, sitting in a puddle of blood, glass, and tears, holding a ripped picture in shaking hands. “Dr. Oikawa?” He causiosly whispered, walking over to the broken man. Oikawa looked up at him through tear-stuck lashes, and Kageyama was shocked at the sheer amount of pain in his lovely eyes. Oikawa reached up to wipe away a tear, and Kageyama noticed a gleaming smear of thick blood on the inside of his wrist. He knelt down to meet Oikawa on the floor, feeling the sharp glass from the ruined picture frame scrape against his bare knees. “Oikawa,” he whispered, grabbing the older man’s hand. “You’re okay. I won’t hurt you,” Kageyama said softly, and turned Oikawa’s arm over to get a better look at the cut on his wrist. It wasn’t as bad as he was expecting; a piece of glass had gone through the skin, but it hadn’t hit any major veins. Oikawa, too numb to do anything more than stare at Kageyama, didn’t resist when he slowly brushed his thumb over the cut to wipe away some of the blood. “I’ll be right back. Please don’t move,” Kageyama told Oikawa, and ran to the nearest bathroom, grabbed towels, and ran back. He wasn’t sure why he felt so inclined to help him, for the man had shouted at him just a few hours ago, but Kageyama knew that if he hadn’t shown up in time, Oikawa might’ve tried to hurt or kill himself again. When he reached the room, Oikawa was in the exact same spot as before, a blank, glazed look in those chocolate eyes. “Oikawa, let me clean you up. Please,” Kageyama said softly, “Okay,” Oikawa whispered, still staring at the ripped picture he held in his hand. Kageyama took a closer look, and found that it was of Oikawa and another man, who was exceedingly handsome, with dark and spikey hair, deep olive eyes, and a very built body. Kageyama figured this was Oikawa’s lover, due to the intense way they looked at each other, like every second they had wouldn’t be enough. “Hajime,” Kageyama looked up when Oikawa said the name, startled that he offered information about something so personal. “His name was Hajime Iwaizumi. He was my husband and the love of my life. He killed himself, and it was my fault,” Oikawa stated, emotionless. Kageyama didn’t say anything, but instead began cleaning the blood from Oikawa’s wrist and knees, where the glass had cut through his pants. Oikawa let him, and didn’t say any more until Kageyama was finished. “Thank you. You can leave now,” “No,” Kageyama said firmly, and helped the broken man to his feet. “Why? Why did you stay?” Oikawa asked him. “Because no one deserves that kind of heartbreak. And sometimes you need to be held, even if it’s just for now.” Oikawa looked at Kageyama for what felt like an eternity, before closing the small distance between them to where they were almost eye to eye. Oikawa grabbed the shorter man’s chin, and tilted his face up to look at him. “Kiss me,” he begged. When Kageyama didn’t oblige, Oikawa pressed his lips to his. Kageyama’s mouth melted against the kiss; Oikawa’s mouth tasted like tears and mint, and his lips were warm and a bit rough. Sparks exploded in Kageyama’s stomach, and he drew Oikawa closer to him. All thoughts of Hinata were chased from his mind as Oikawa ground himself against Kageyama’s now hard cock. He let out a small gasp as Oikawa took his bottom lip in between his teeth and sucked. Kageyama slid his hands under Oikawa’s shirt, running his nails from the top of his shoulders to the base of his well muscled back. “Tobio,” Oikawa pulled his lips away from Kageyama’s and kissed his neck, hard enough to leave a hickey. Heat spread from each spot Oikawa’s lips touched, and soon Kageyama had erupted in flames. He undid the buttons on Oikawa’s shirt, and licked from the top of his navel up to his jawline, stopping to bite his earlobe. Oikawa visibly shuddered, and his eyes rolled back in pleasure. Kageyama dropped to his knees for the third time that night, and hurriedly yanked down Oikawa’s pants. His eyes widened at the size of him, but he wrapped his lips around Oikawa’s cock before he lost his nerve. Oikawa groaned, and threaded his hands through Kageyama’s silky dark hair. Kageyama pulled away, gasping, and Oikawa was instantly on him, removing all his sweaty clothes. “Bend over, Tobio,” Oikawa growled into his ear, grabbed Kageyama, and put him face down on his desk. Oikawa put a finger in Kageyama’s mouth, and he was instantly licking it; Kageyama found Oikawa’s hands outrageously perfect. Oikawa pulled his finger out of Kageyama’s mouth, and brought it around to his entrance. “Oikawa,” Kageyama gasped, “Please be gentle.” “I’ll never hurt you,” Oikawa murmured, and slowly inserted his finger. Kageyama winced at the initial pain, but quickly grew accustomed to it. “Let me fuck you,” Oikawa said, and when Kageyama turned around to face him, he saw the desperation in his eyes, the craving of physical touch. “Please,” Kageyama obliged, and turned back over onto the desk again. Oikawa used spit as lube, and didn’t use a condom, but Kageyama wasn’t going to stop him now, not when they both needed it. Oikawa entered Kageyama slowly, but with no hesitation whatsoever. Kageyama let out a shout that mingled with Oikawa’s soft groans as he began to find a rhythm. When Oikawa wrapped his hand around Kageyama’s length, he let out a choking cry, almost orgasming at the warm touch. Oikawa’s hand and dick were now in sync, moving at the same time to give Kageyama maximum pleasure. Both of their breathing was coming in short pants, and Kageyama knew he was close. With a loud moan, Oikawa spilled into Kageyama, and instantly after dropped to his knees to wrap his full lips around Kageyama’s length, sucking at the tip as he drank in Kageyama. It was a sight he would never forget, the beautiful man kneeling before him, lips wet, chest heaving. They both dressed quietly, neither wanting to be the first to speak, as they didn’t quite know what to say.“Oikawa?” Kageyama said in a low voice when he noticed tears shining at the corners of his bright eyes. “I have to go,” Oikawa said, and made a move for the door, but Kageyama was quicker. He stepped in front of Oikawa, who was now wracked with heaving sobs. “You’re allowed to have feelings again, Oikawa. Don’t run from this,” Kageyama said, frustrated that Oikawa was just running out like that meant nothing. “I’m not scared that I won’t feel it again. I’m scared that I will, and I’ll never forgive myself for it,” and with that, Oikawa brushed past Kageyama and into the chilly hall, barren of people. “Oikawa! Wait!” Kageyama called after him, but the man had already left.


End file.
